What is life?

When I was small, so small that I can only thing A is for an apple, i always talk to myself,

'when can i be taller and bigger like brother and father?'
'when can i do when nobody can hold me back?'
'when can do things on my own?'

When I enter college, i think I'm big guy enough to my own decisions..to do things what I think college guy like me like to do. I start to put lots of dreams and ambitions

'I want to climb up to mountain'
'I want to travel to Europe'
'I want to date a girl'

But all these things never happen since I learnt that money doesnt grow on trees. I can't do anythings, except study..study and study. Thats what my family think I suppose to do.
But now, I already left my college life and become what....i think i dream of it for...8years ago. I got money..I can do what ever i want..because..i have money. I even had brought 39' LED flat screen.. I have brought my own car..I have brought PS Vita..and I have add someone special in my life. There is not much what a bachelor and simple guy like me want. However, inspite of all these spent..it never satisfy me..it seem that..I need more time.

'I want to climb up to mountain'
'I want to travel around Europe'
'I want to date a girl'

These dreams....i call it too expensive rather that what I own now..because I need time and seems that i can buy time at grocery store. Soon.. I live miserably.
I think, life is funny ..at first, when u were small..u have the idea and time..but u done have the strength and money. when u were in college..u have the plan/idea, strength, and time..but unfortunately..u done have the money..but when u were in profession area..u have the idea/plan, strenght, money..but u don't have time....and..when u grows older..u have the idea/plan,money and time..but still..u don't have the strength to do it. when u grows more older...well..u got nothing..because u are dead already.so....it triggers me...why i was born to this world. Am I just part of the systems? to continue the cycle of life of humanity?...its...boring.
There must be something..there must be purpose.

Deep inside my heart..there is hole..the hole is too dark and deep and it must be fill in with something...but what? another 39' LED flat screen?..maybe i go bigger..50' maybe? or maybe a new sports car? or maybe i need more serious consul games like ps4 or Xbox one?...or...maybe i need two girls??(im just joking honey)
So...what do I need?

I always told to myself...when to go up high..please look down..maybe something that u left behind. sometimes..I always told to myself..just go back to basic.

I think, I look too high..so..i think its time to look down and see what i left behind.
when I look down..I can't belive what I have left...to much things and irreplaceable things..I left my friends, my family and more importantly my religion. I can believed what I did..why I was drove so far??.....I lost.................I need something...but I don't now what...

Then I start to pray...pray to my God for forgiveness....
I don't call myself man of religious....I mean...whoever made that statement is a stupid guy...because...what it actually mean??religious man?....it nonsense..because..I believe..each man have religious..something they believe in..a believe that utmost all other believes.

I finish pray...and...I got no hole anymore...why I was this naive not to think of these before..It was so near to me..and yet..I neglected it? so pathetic i was...so much..sin....

'dear God...forgive me..all the wrong things I have done...I am nothing to You and these world..except Your humble and a sinner slave. Please God, please help me...no more tears can correct my mistakes, please help me to be Your servant'

..............thats life


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